Posted in About Me

About me

Some say I’m a whisk taker, some say I’m kneady. But I’m just a girl spillin secrets from the stove.

Making you crack up whilst you’re cracking eggs, this blog has fun with buns, kitchen goss and not a soggy bottom in sight.

So pick up your whisk and don your wavy kitchen garms (apron), let’s get baking….

Posted in Cakes, decoration

Covid Christmas Cake

Nobody under the age of 65 actually likes Christmas cake, but it’s a tradition in our house to rustle one up every year. This was last year’s crimbo cake – a cheeky little covid reindeer 😉 At the time I thought this would make a fun ironic post for this year, but as I’m sat in iso in my oodie and a Santa hat, the joke is well and truly on me 😦

Sad but still cute x

Kitchen goss

The real tragedy of the story is that I’ll have to wait to get my paws on the Christmas treats cupboard. Normally I’m plumping up nicely for at least a week and a half before the big day. Honestly never craved a chipolata so much in my entire life.

If ANYONE at home opens the choccie wreath without me I’m actually exiting the family. You have been warned.

Also bit of a side note but we went to Lapland when I was a kid to see our big man Mr Christmas and I swear we drank reindeer milk. I have been telling people this story and they look at me like I’m really weird so please can someone from my family confirm if I’ve drank reindeer milk or if I’m a big fat liar please. Xoxo

Anyway back to biz – if you want to find out how you can make your own limited edition omicron Rudolph, keep watching…

I don’t know what this jazzy crimbo backing song is but kind of love it

If you can’t stand to watch the vid with iMovie’s version of sleigh ride playing, then here are some written instructions

If you would like to rustle up your own cake to go with the reindeer, here’s my blog recipe from 2 years ago now – wowee I’m an actual oldie https://the-soggy-bottom.com/2019/12/16/christmas-cake/


  • Fondant icing – I would just get 1 pack of white and colour a big blob brown, and smaller blobs black, red, light brown, blue and white
  • Food colouring if colouring your own
  • Toothpicks
  • Water/edible glue – you could use super glue but I wouldn’t recommend health wise x


  • Make a big brown pointy blob
  • Stick a tooth pick in it and leave a bit of it poking out to hold the head later
  • Roll out a brown sosig
  • Chop in two
  • Make it look like a hoof and glue that on with your water
  • Before you do the arms make a little light brown oval for the belly
  • Repeat the sosig thing for the arms
  • Make another brown blob and use your finger to make a horizontal indentation which will form like the transition between nose and eyes
  • Red blob for nose (unless you want to make an ordinary reindeer)
  • White blobs squished for eyes, put black blobs on for the pupils
  • TOP TIP – to make the eyes look more realistic/cute put a tiny blob of white in the corner of the pupil
  • To make the antlers shove a stick of black fondant onto a cocktail stick and form little branches off the top
  • To make the mask roll out a bit of blue fondant, make little lines on it with the cocktail stick, then glue this on the face – make sure you CoVeR tHE NosE anD MouTH
  • Shove it all together
  • Bish bash bosh

Okay and that’s the end of it. I know I’ve not posted in a while, I’m an incredibly busy and popular person I simply cannot keep up x

Hope you all have a very merry crimbo (hopefully covid free).

Wash your hands, wear a mask, get your vaccine cya x x x

Posted in Other Treats

Low-Calorie cookies and cream cheesecake

Well that was a mouthful and a half wasn’t it. Talking about mouthfuls, get your laughing gear around this guilt free cheesecake…

Okay the squirty cream and oreos don’t count in the low cal part you caught me – but it is MOSTLY healthy, and the oreos are mini so they basically don’t count.

The magic ingredient in these bad boys is quark. The name makes it sound revolting, but it is actually a high protein, low fat soft cheese and the slimming world peeps are all over it like a rash.

If you’re wanting to cut the cals on any creamy dish – quark is your boy.

Kitchen Goss

Ok not to be dramatic but I think my new uni house might be haunted. Now I know I’m a bit of a drama queen, but some little rascal keeps turning the tv on at night when nobody is downstairs and my stress levels are through the roof. The only logical answer is that we have a channel4 loving goblin living with us.

*UPDATE* we figured out the TV was on timer lol, panic over everyone. We do have a scary basement tho so a ghost seemed like a likely option at the time. #notclickbait

Anyway back to the little lovelies…

Recipe inspired and adapted from https://www.slimmingeats.com/blog/chocolate-cheesecake


  • low cal biccies e.g. rich tea lights (ok confession time I used some fibre one bars in the bottom of mine, would NOT recommend doing this unless you want to break your chompers. Chewy central)
  • 1-2 tsp low calorie butter spread
  • 250g fat free quark
  • 1 options white chocolate sachet
  • 1 options milk chocolate sachet (add another sachet if you want it choco choco)
  • squirty cream and oreo minis if your diet has gone out the window

Method – makes 3 cheesecakes

  • smush up your biccies (I would use 2 biccies per cheesecake) and add the butter to bind it
  • chuck that in your vessel of choice – glasses work well for this so you can see all the layers of lurv
  • split your quark into two bowls
  • add the white choc sachet to one bowl
  • add the milk choc sachet to the other
  • mixy mixy
  • plop nicely on top of the biccies in layers – or mix it all together if you are a sicko
  • chuck in the fridge overnight to get nice n firm
  • decorate with loads of calories
  • the end

Hope you enjoyed this short but sweet one, as always check out my insta @the_soggy_bottom for more exclusive content.

Any suggestions for recipes you want to see comment them below!!

Luvs ya lots ta-ra my loves, Han xxx

Posted in Biccies

Mini Egg Cookies

Not a paid partnership with mini eggs – I bloody wish it was 😦 Someone sponsor me pls I need some free samples to wrap up for Christmas prezzies.

These cookies are pretty delectable, and plus they’re a right CHONK so you won’t need to eat for the next 3-5 working days. Perfect for being stranded in the wilderness #beargrylls #isfit #youcan #explore #mywilderness #anytime

Right dunno what else to say atm except make the cookies they’re peng, here’s this week’s KG

Kitchen Goss

Been doing a big house clear out because I am so bored it has driven me to actually tidy up. Turns out I was a sucker for a self portrait back in the early 00s, being the Picasso that I am, they are scarily accurate.

Choose your warrior:

1) Wiggy McPigster: dead trim, yellow teeth and a 50cm head that will knock you out straight. Luscious lashes, gorgeous smile.

2) Tangerine Dream: what in the sunbed?!? voldemort nose, edgy girl willy wonka fringe. Smiling = forbidden. Eyebrows = on fleek (I’m going to bring that word back)

Also not to get all cringe but I found this cute pic of what I wanted to be when I grew up – mum I made it I’m gonna be a DAcToR x

Right enough now, get your mini eggs out and stop faffing around

Recipe adapted from our babe Jane https://www.janespatisserie.com/2018/03/08/mini-egg-cookies/


  • 300g plain flour
  • 1/2 tsp bicarbonate soda
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 100g light brown sugar
  • 100g granulated sugar
  • 115g melted butter
  • splash or two or three of vanilla extract
  • 3 90g bags of mini eggs (or more if you have 5 million pounds to spare)
  • some choccie chips – not going to lie I didn’t measure I just sprinkled in and ate the rest


  • Stir your flour, bicarb and salt together
  • in another big boy bowl, chuck both your sugars, butter and vanilla in and give that a little mix (no not the band)
  • add your flour mix into this and stir together
  • beat the living daylights out of 2 of the mini eggs bags
  • stir these crushed bits into the dough mix
  • sprinkle in as many choccie chips as you please – go on treat yourself my love
  • grab little balls and plop them on a baking tray lined with baking paper
  • using your remaining bag of whole mini eggs, squish these nicely on the top to make the cookies look all pretty
  • bake for 12mins ish at 180C
  • let them cool and set up before you try and scoff them – I know what you’re like!!!

Righty ho well that’s me off. Have a lovely rest of the day my chickens. Lots of love, Han x x x

Posted in Other Treats

Low fat Eton Mess

I know what you’re thinking – Han doing a low calorie dessert?!?! It was hard for me to believe too – the transition from blue milk to green was tough enough, but now I am fully embracing the healthy lifestyle (minus my chicken selects cravings once a week). The fact I would get hunted down by my mum’s slimming world group if I so dared to serve a full fat dessert was also weighing heavy on my mind (pardon the pun) #synner.

Continue reading “Low fat Eton Mess”
Posted in Savoury

Chicken Bakes (Greggs)

I come from a family of big Greggs fans (my sister even calling her sausage dog Gregg after their famous sausage roll), so people who don’t love a cheeky pastry treat give out major alarm bells.

the rat

With this recipe you can chef up your very own Greggs delight in your jimjams and dressing gown without even having to leave the house!

Because I’m a bit much I made my own puff pastry for this (recipe will be uploaded soonish), but if you want you can just to buy some to get the quick Greggs fix – I’ll allow it.

I didn’t get v good pics of them, but they were actually well nice so would recommend giving this one a go (if I do say so myself)

Kitchen Goss

It’s official, I’m down with the kidz. Yep, I have been sucked into the TikTok pit and my screen time is majorly suffering now. I actually feel like such a nan trying to work it, this vid took me no word of a lie HOURS to make and I was cringing myself out with the voice over, so no hate please.

Pls can someone who is a TikTok expert give me some coaching because I need to make it to the Hype House (is this even a thing anymore I can’t keep up?!?!?) Give us a cheeky follow @kitchen_goss to see some more incredible content, or alternatively just wait until I pop up on your fyp when I’m too famous 4 u x

original recipe: Greggs Chicken Bake | Baking Recipes | GoodtoKnow


  • 1 chicken breast
  • 100ml chicken stock
  • 1 tsp corn flour mixed with a bit of water
  • 1 tsp cream cheese (or more if you want it extra creamy)
  • a glug of double cream
  • salt and pepper to season
  • puff pastry (bought or made if you’re *extra*)
  • 1 egg

Method – made 3 large and in charge chicken bakes

  • chippety chop your chicken breast into small chonkz and cook until golden
  • add in the chicken stock, cornflour water thing, and the cream cheese
  • glug in your cream
  • season as you like and leave to cool
  • roll out your pastry and cut into Greggs sized rectangles
  • add your chicken sludge in the centre of one of the rectangles
  • Egg wash the edges of the pastry and add another rectangle of pastry on top
  • crimp it down with a fork
  • cut wavy lines in the top (this is the classic Greggs chicken bake sign, if you do anything else you’re wrong grr)
  • egg wash the top to make it golden n gorg
  • whack in the oven for 15-20 mins or until the little lovelies are golden brown and smelling delish
  • scran

And that’s all for today my little nuggets, sorry I’ve not been posting much lately, would like to say I’ve been doing work but I’ve just been on TikTok.

Luvs ya, Han, KG x x x

Posted in Biccies

Chocolate crinkle cookies (Gluten Free!)

Everyone likes cookies, everyone likes crinkles, and my housemate Issy likes gluten free things so she doesn’t have explosive diarrhoea, so these bad boys were a solid hit all round.

They aren’t your typical chewy cookie, or a snap biccie, so if that’s what you’re craving, leave now. These little norts are crispy on the outside and fudgey in the middle (more brownie sort of vibes) and they are absolutely deeeeeeeeelish.

I was always one to stay away from gluten free baking because I thought they always tasted a bit bob, but honestly these have converted me. Buckle up for an influx of gluten free bakes coming your way everyone.

Before we get crinkling, here this week’s KG

Kitchen Goss

New week, new lockdown craze (I need to stop doing this and actually stick to something hehe.) In some moment of madness I decided to start couch to 5k, taking me from couch potato to a steamy jacket potato with cheesy beans. You get to choose your motivating voice and I have really got attached to Michael Johnson, I feel like we have such a connection when he tells me I’m doing great for running for 60secs. I’ve completed the first week – shocker I know – so keep your eyes peeled for me trotting round Hyde Park. Fitness isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for life x

Anyway enough about me…

For once in my life I haven’t actually deviated from the recipe! This one is from the amazing Becky Excell who makes some sick gluten free goodies. Gluten-free Chocolate Crinkle Cookies Recipe (dairy-free) (glutenfreecuppatea.co.uk)


  • 60g cocoa powder
  • 60ml veg oil
  • 200g caster sugar
  • 2 large eggs
  • 175g gluten free plain flour
  • 1/4 tsp xanthan gum (this is used in a lot of gluten free bakes to make it all stick together, available at most supermarkets!)
  • 1sp gluten free baking powder
  • 50g icing sugar


  • line a couple of baking trays ready for your little delights
  • mix together cocoa, oil and caster sugar until a thick paste
  • add the eggs one at a time and give that a good beating
  • add in flour, xanthan gum and baking powder and mix until a nice soft dough magically appears (for reference it shouldn’t be a rolling out dough sort of consistency, but more of a thick goo)
  • pop that in the fridge for an hour and grab yourself a cuppa (or a gin) to celebrate the hard work
  • after an hour whack your oven on 170C (or just guess if you have a raw flame in your oven like me)
  • pop your icing sugar into a separate bowl
  • take clumps of dough (about 45g of dough each) and roll into a ball
  • then roll that ball in your icing sugar and place on your prepped lined trays
  • once all the balls are powdered 😉 bake for about 10-12 mins and you should have a lovely cracked surface (if you want yours less fudgey then bake for a couple mins longer!)
  • enjoy with a glass of cold milk (blue milk for the win)

And that’s all for today my angels, I hope you all have a fabulous week. Keep smiling, lots of luv, KG (Han) x x x

Posted in Cakes, Other Treats

Chocolate Orange Slutty Brownies

Yes they are as cheeky as they sound. If you’re at slimming world then close your eyes, cos these bad boys are SINFUL.

Cookie + jaffa cakes + brownie + Terry’s chocolate orange = a lot of layers, a lot of fun.

Everybody loves a classique brownie, but honestly these are just on another level. If you still need more convincing, here’s some feedback from my scavenger housemates who polished off the entire tray within 24hours.

Continue reading “Chocolate Orange Slutty Brownies”
Posted in Other Treats


A bit greasy and a massive flake, but we always go back for more – the croissant is the F-boy of the pastry world.

Making croissants is definitely a labour of luv so if you’re looking for a quick sweet fix, this is not the one for you. If however, you have a spare couple of days and want to make some DELISH pastry morsels then keep reading…

I made these little lovelies as part of the BreadAhead online tutorial. It was so much fun, learned a lot and would highly recommend if you want something different to do in lockdown – they have a massive range of tutorials it’s not just croissants! (BreadAhead pls sponsor me)

Before we get into it, here’s this week’s KG:

Kitchen Goss

Another week, another new hobby. That’s right, I’m officially a yogi. Leeds Yoga society are running daily classes online so you can try out different types of yoga and embarrass yourself on zoom whilst doing it. Yin yoga is the top runner for me, it involves pillows and blankets – enough said really.

My current fave pose: Shavasana (corpse pose). You just lie still on the floor – bliss. I have not mastered any more advanced poses yet, but give me a few weeks and I’ll be one of those ripped, tanned girls doing yoga on the beach for my youtube channel. Like and subscribe xoxo

Back to biz


  • DAY 1
  • 500g strong white flour (white bread flour)
  • 12g salt
  • 55g caster sugar
  • 40g unsalted butter
  • 15g dried yeast
  • 140ml cold water
  • 140ml whole milk
  • DAY 2
  • 250g cold unsalted butter
  • 1 egg


  • DAY 1
  • Pop flour, salt, sugar and dried yeast in a bowl and combine
  • make a well in the centre
  • Add in the milk and water and mix together until a dough forms
  • TOP TIP: you can smush it a bit to incorporate all the dry ingredients in but do not knead it!!! This will overwork the dough and make the folding tomorrow very hard.
  • Cover the bowl with cling film and whack it in the fridge for 8-12 hours (or overnight)
  • DAY 2
  • Take your dough out the fridge
  • Using your knuckles smush it into a rough square shape
  • With a rolling pin roll out each of the corners, leaving a raised square centre and 4 thin flaps/corners
  • get your butter out of the fridge
  • Bash it out with a rolling pin until it is a similar size to the raised dough square
  • Place your butter sheet on top of the raised dough square
  • Pull the bottom flap of dough to completely cover the butter
  • Pull the top flap of dough 80% over
  • Pull the side flaps across to the middle
  • What we have basically done here is wrap up our butter in the dough like wrapping up a parcel
  • with the seam running in the middle (the line where the side flaps meet) use your rolling pin to push down and create ridges in the dough (this makes it easier to roll)
  • Then roll out until a long rectangular shape (about 1/2 a rolling pin wide and 1 1/2 rolling pins long)
  • Fold the top of the dough over 2/3rds
  • Fold the remaining flap of dough over that (so you have a square of dough that is 3 layers thick)
Seam on the LEFT
  • This is called a fold! For croissants we will do 3 folds in total
  • TOP TIP: after the first fold keep the seam on the LEFT, this keeps all your folds in the same direction to give you nice layers
  • With the seam on the left, roll out your dough into a long rectangle again
  • Fold as you did before (top over 2/3rds, remaining flap on top of that so you have a 3 layered square ish shape)
  • Cover in cling film and put in the fridge to chillax for 1 hour (or more)
  • Once suitably relaxed, get it out and you guessed it roll into a long rectangle (remember seam on the left!!)
  • Fold as you did before – this is the 3rd and final fold!!! Nearly there now
  • cover again and put in the fridge to chill out for 3 hours (or more)
  • take the dough out, this time with the seam running HORIZONTALLY roll out until it is about 5mm thick
  • Cut triangles out of the dough (use 4 finger widths to keep them equal)
Mind the tootsies oops x
  • Stretch each triangle out by holding it up and running your other hand gently down it
  • Cut a small slit at the base of the triangle
  • Roll up from the base of the triangle until it forms a little croissant shape
  • Beat your egg and brush on top to make a nice golden glaze
  • Leave the croissants to rise in a warm place for 2 hours
  • Preheat your oven to 190C and (finally) whack in your croissants for 15 mins until nice and crispy
  • Get them out and scoff them all – it will be worth all the hard work I promise!

You made it to the end of that VERY long recipe, give yourself a pat on the back.

Thanks again everyone for all your continued support, comment any recipes you want to see next!

Lots of love, your fave Han, KG x x x

Posted in Cakes, decoration

Tropical Traybake

Since nobody has been able to jet off to Benidorm or any other exotic location this year, it’s time to bring the sun to us with this tropical traybake.

This orange and passionfruit cake will provide the sunny vibes, but if you really want to recreate the ‘Brit on holiday’ experience, then you’ll also need to do the following:

  • wear a ridiculous tropical shirt (bonus points if it matches with the rest of your travel companions)
  • get up at the crack of dawn to ‘save the sunbeds’
  • burn to a crisp on the first day
  • say it’s boiling at least 17 times a day
  • learn how to say hello in the local language, then proceed to speak English

Before we get into the nitty gritty of the recipe, here is this week’s (very embarrassing) kitchen goss

Kitchen Goss

I can’t quite believe I’m exposing myself this much on KG, but this is too funny not to share.

So I recently rediscovered this voice memo I made in 2018 when I was revising for my chemistry A-level. I must’ve seen a pinterest thing on creative ways to revise or something, because something unholy possessed me to make a song about electrophilic addition.

Yes it’s to the tune of ‘These Words’ by Natasha Bedingfield

Yes it took me all day to write (and I couldn’t even make it rhyme)

Yes the full version of ‘Mechanisms Mix *flame*’ is available on soundcloud

I can’t bring myself to listen to the full thing, and safe to say I will never be doing that again.

Back to the bake…


  • 225g butter
  • 225g caster sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 225g self raising flour
  • 1 orange – zested n juiced
  • 1tsp vanilla extract
  • 150g butter
  • 300g icing sugar
  • 3tbsp passionfruit curd (or adjust to your taste)
  • 1tsp vanilla extract
  • gel food colourings


  • whack your butter and shug in a bowl and beat until light and fluffy
  • add eggos one at a time
  • fold in flour, orange zest, vanilla and 3/4 of your orange juice (save the remaining quarter for icing time)
  • Whack this in whichever tray tickles your pickle, make sure to grease and line it
  • bake for 20-25 mins at 180C (or if your oven doesn’t have numbers on it like mine, then just take it out when it looks golden and a knife comes out clean when you poke it in)
  • Whilst that’s cooling you can crack on with the icing
  • whip up the butter and icing sugar
  • add the orange juice and passionfruit curd to your taste (it can be quite zingy)
  • if you want to decorate with painted buttercream flowers then split icing into bowls and add colourings of your choice (gel food colourings work best here)
  • once the cake is cool, remove from the tin and spread over a base layer of icing
  • Let this set up in the fridge – very important step otherwise going to be difficult to add more buttercream on top!
  • once harder to the touch, get the cake out and get creative
  • I ‘painted’ flowers onto mine, which is a technique I’ve been wanting to try out for ages, but go with whatever you feel looks fun n fresh

If you’re interested in how I decorated my traybake, then take a look at this very speedy vid below.

Thanks for reading, lots of luv, Han – KG x x x

Posted in Other Treats

Oreo Truffles

These truffles contain only 3 ingredients: live, laugh and love *monkey emoji*. Only messin it’s actually oreos, cream cheese and choccie, and they are soooo quick to make and even quicker scoff.

I decided to make mine into little pandas, not really sure why, I just got the urge, but you can decorate with whatever tickles your pickle.

Fun fact about pandas, they poo on average 40 times a day!!! Their pipes must be clean as a whistle, wish I could say the same, my iron tablets are clogging me up like no tomorrow. 😦

Before we get crackalackin, here’s this week’s KG:

Kitchen Goss

First of all, I hope you all approve of my new identity. It was a sad day changing from BTB but I think it was a strategic career move from me.

Secondly, it’s another lockdown which means more questionable online purchases. Last night’s deal was a posture corrector in a desperate attempt to solve my Quasimodo back. It’s like a full on back brace, but nothing I can’t pull off. Will keep you all updated with the results, if I’m not a model in a month I’m going to be FUMIN.

Ok recipe time…


  • 24 oreos
  • 160g full fat cream cheese
  • optional – 1 tbsp icing sugar
  • 200g white choc, 100g dark choc

Method – makes 10 golf ball sized truffles, triple the recipe if you live with Vic Fletcher

  • Choose your weapon to crush the oreos e.g. blender, rolling pin
  • make sure they’re finely crushed, you don’t want bitty truffles
  • plop your cream cheese into the crushed biccies and stir
  • I like to sweeten mine a bit more with 1 tbsp icing sugar but if you’re not addicted to sugar like me then you can skip this bit
  • form into balls – size is up to you, I made mine golf ball sized
  • place on a tray lined with baking paper/tin foil
  • pop in the freezer for 15 mins
  • whilst they’re chillaxin, get melting your choccie
  • take the chilled ballz out and coat in the choccie, I use a fork to get them out so some of the choc can drip off
  • top tip – if you’re coating in the white choc I would melt your choccie in batches because it can get a bit dirty from the oreo balls, so just melt enough to coat 1 or 2 truffles at a time!
  • if you’re a bit random and also want to make them into pandas, I did the face with white and dark choc and just used a cocktail stick to draw it on, and carved the ears out of an oreo using a knife (or you can just nibble it into shape)
  • if you don’t pandas then let your creative juices flow and decorate any way you like!
  • let them set up a bit more in the fridge
  • eat

Recipe inspired by Cooking Classy – recipe here Oreo Balls Oreo Truffles – Cooking Classy

And that’s it for today. Soz I’ve not done a blog in SO long, new year’s resolution is to write more so keep your little eyes peeled!

Hope you all have a fabby week

Lots of luv, Han, KG xxx