Nobody under the age of 65 actually likes Christmas cake, but it’s a tradition in our house to rustle one up every year. This was last year’s crimbo cake – a cheeky little covid reindeer 😉 At the time I thought this would make a fun ironic post for this year, but as I’m sat in iso in my oodie and a Santa hat, the joke is well and truly on me 😦
The real tragedy of the story is that I’ll have to wait to get my paws on the Christmas treats cupboard. Normally I’m plumping up nicely for at least a week and a half before the big day. Honestly never craved a chipolata so much in my entire life.
If ANYONE at home opens the choccie wreath without me I’m actually exiting the family. You have been warned.
Also bit of a side note but we went to Lapland when I was a kid to see our big man Mr Christmas and I swear we drank reindeer milk. I have been telling people this story and they look at me like I’m really weird so please can someone from my family confirm if I’ve drank reindeer milk or if I’m a big fat liar please. Xoxo
Anyway back to biz – if you want to find out how you can make your own limited edition omicron Rudolph, keep watching…
If you can’t stand to watch the vid with iMovie’s version of sleigh ride playing, then here are some written instructions
Well that was a mouthful and a half wasn’t it. Talking about mouthfuls, get your laughing gear around this guilt free cheesecake…
Okay the squirty cream and oreos don’t count in the low cal part you caught me – but it is MOSTLY healthy, and the oreos are mini so they basically don’t count.
The magic ingredient in these bad boys is quark. The name makes it sound revolting, but it is actually a high protein, low fat soft cheese and the slimming world peeps are all over it like a rash.
If you’re wanting to cut the cals on any creamy dish – quark is your boy.
Ok not to be dramatic but I think my new uni house might be haunted. Now I know I’m a bit of a drama queen, but some little rascal keeps turning the tv on at night when nobody is downstairs and my stress levels are through the roof. The only logical answer is that we have a channel4 loving goblin living with us.
*UPDATE* we figured out the TV was on timer lol, panic over everyone. We do have a scary basement tho so a ghost seemed like a likely option at the time. #notclickbait
Not a paid partnership with mini eggs – I bloody wish it was 😦 Someone sponsor me pls I need some free samples to wrap up for Christmas prezzies.
These cookies are pretty delectable, and plus they’re a right CHONK so you won’t need to eat for the next 3-5 working days. Perfect for being stranded in the wilderness #beargrylls #isfit #youcan #explore #mywilderness #anytime
Right dunno what else to say atm except make the cookies they’re peng, here’s this week’s KG
Been doing a big house clear out because I am so bored it has driven me to actually tidy up. Turns out I was a sucker for a self portrait back in the early 00s, being the Picasso that I am, they are scarily accurate.
Choose your warrior:
1) Wiggy McPigster: dead trim, yellow teeth and a 50cm head that will knock you out straight. Luscious lashes, gorgeous smile.
2) Tangerine Dream: what in the sunbed?!? voldemort nose, edgy girl willy wonka fringe. Smiling = forbidden. Eyebrows = on fleek (I’m going to bring that word back)
Also not to get all cringe but I found this cute pic of what I wanted to be when I grew up – mum I made it I’m gonna be a DAcToR x
Right enough now, get your mini eggs out and stop faffing around
I know what you’re thinking – Han doing a low calorie dessert?!?! It was hard for me to believe too – the transition from blue milk to green was tough enough, but now I am fully embracing the healthy lifestyle (minus my chicken selects cravings once a week). The fact I would get hunted down by my mum’s slimming world group if I so dared to serve a full fat dessert was also weighing heavy on my mind (pardon the pun) #synner.
I come from a family of big Greggs fans (my sister even calling her sausage dog Gregg after their famous sausage roll), so people who don’t love a cheeky pastry treat give out major alarm bells.
With this recipe you can chef up your very own Greggs delight in your jimjams and dressing gown without even having to leave the house!
Because I’m a bit much I made my own puff pastry for this (recipe will be uploaded soonish), but if you want you can just to buy some to get the quick Greggs fix – I’ll allow it.
I didn’t get v good pics of them, but they were actually well nice so would recommend giving this one a go (if I do say so myself)
It’s official, I’m down with the kidz. Yep, I have been sucked into the TikTok pit and my screen time is majorly suffering now. I actually feel like such a nan trying to work it, this vid took me no word of a lie HOURS to make and I was cringing myself out with the voice over, so no hate please.
Pls can someone who is a TikTok expert give me some coaching because I need to make it to the Hype House (is this even a thing anymore I can’t keep up?!?!?) Give us a cheeky follow @kitchen_goss to see some more incredible content, or alternatively just wait until I pop up on your fyp when I’m too famous 4 u x
Everyone likes cookies, everyone likes crinkles, and my housemate Issy likes gluten free things so she doesn’t have explosive diarrhoea, so these bad boys were a solid hit all round.
They aren’t your typical chewy cookie, or a snap biccie, so if that’s what you’re craving, leave now. These little norts are crispy on the outside and fudgey in the middle (more brownie sort of vibes) and they are absolutely deeeeeeeeelish.
I was always one to stay away from gluten free baking because I thought they always tasted a bit bob, but honestly these have converted me. Buckle up for an influx of gluten free bakes coming your way everyone.
Before we get crinkling, here this week’s KG
New week, new lockdown craze (I need to stop doing this and actually stick to something hehe.) In some moment of madness I decided to start couch to 5k, taking me from couch potato to a steamy jacket potato with cheesy beans. You get to choose your motivating voice and I have really got attached to Michael Johnson, I feel like we have such a connection when he tells me I’m doing great for running for 60secs. I’ve completed the first week – shocker I know – so keep your eyes peeled for me trotting round Hyde Park. Fitness isn’t just for Christmas, it’s for life x
Yes they are as cheeky as they sound. If you’re at slimming world then close your eyes, cos these bad boys are SINFUL.
Cookie + jaffa cakes + brownie + Terry’s chocolate orange = a lot of layers, a lot of fun.
Everybody loves a classique brownie, but honestly these are just on another level. If you still need more convincing, here’s some feedback from my scavenger housemates who polished off the entire tray within 24hours.
A bit greasy and a massive flake, but we always go back for more – the croissant is the F-boy of the pastry world.
Making croissants is definitely a labour of luv so if you’re looking for a quick sweet fix, this is not the one for you. If however, you have a spare couple of days and want to make some DELISH pastry morsels then keep reading…
I made these little lovelies as part of the BreadAhead online tutorial. It was so much fun, learned a lot and would highly recommend if you want something different to do in lockdown – they have a massive range of tutorials it’s not just croissants! (BreadAhead pls sponsor me)
Before we get into it, here’s this week’s KG:
Another week, another new hobby. That’s right, I’m officially a yogi. Leeds Yoga society are running daily classes online so you can try out different types of yoga and embarrass yourself on zoom whilst doing it. Yin yoga is the top runner for me, it involves pillows and blankets – enough said really.
My current fave pose: Shavasana (corpse pose). You just lie still on the floor – bliss. I have not mastered any more advanced poses yet, but give me a few weeks and I’ll be one of those ripped, tanned girls doing yoga on the beach for my youtube channel. Like and subscribe xoxo
Back to biz
500g strong white flour (white bread flour)
55g caster sugar
40g unsalted butter
15g dried yeast
140ml cold water
140ml whole milk
250g cold unsalted butter
Pop flour, salt, sugar and dried yeast in a bowl and combine
make a well in the centre
Add in the milk and water and mix together until a dough forms
TOP TIP: you can smush it a bit to incorporate all the dry ingredients in but do not knead it!!! This will overwork the dough and make the folding tomorrow very hard.
Cover the bowl with cling film and whack it in the fridge for 8-12 hours (or overnight)
Take your dough out the fridge
Using your knuckles smush it into a rough square shape
With a rolling pin roll out each of the corners, leaving a raised square centre and 4 thin flaps/corners
get your butter out of the fridge
Bash it out with a rolling pin until it is a similar size to the raised dough square
Place your butter sheet on top of the raised dough square
Pull the bottom flap of dough to completely cover the butter
Pull the top flap of dough 80% over
Pull the side flaps across to the middle
What we have basically done here is wrap up our butter in the dough like wrapping up a parcel
with the seam running in the middle (the line where the side flaps meet) use your rolling pin to push down and create ridges in the dough (this makes it easier to roll)
Then roll out until a long rectangular shape (about 1/2 a rolling pin wide and 1 1/2 rolling pins long)
Fold the top of the dough over 2/3rds
Fold the remaining flap of dough over that (so you have a square of dough that is 3 layers thick)
This is called a fold! For croissants we will do 3 folds in total
TOP TIP: after the first fold keep the seam on the LEFT, this keeps all your folds in the same direction to give you nice layers
With the seam on the left, roll out your dough into a long rectangle again
Fold as you did before (top over 2/3rds, remaining flap on top of that so you have a 3 layered square ish shape)
Cover in cling film and put in the fridge to chillax for 1 hour (or more)
Once suitably relaxed, get it out and you guessed it roll into a long rectangle (remember seam on the left!!)
Fold as you did before – this is the 3rd and final fold!!! Nearly there now
cover again and put in the fridge to chill out for 3 hours (or more)
take the dough out, this time with the seam running HORIZONTALLY roll out until it is about 5mm thick
Cut triangles out of the dough (use 4 finger widths to keep them equal)
Stretch each triangle out by holding it up and running your other hand gently down it
Cut a small slit at the base of the triangle
Roll up from the base of the triangle until it forms a little croissant shape
Beat your egg and brush on top to make a nice golden glaze
Leave the croissants to rise in a warm place for 2 hours
Preheat your oven to 190C and (finally) whack in your croissants for 15 mins until nice and crispy
Get them out and scoff them all – it will be worth all the hard work I promise!
You made it to the end of that VERY long recipe, give yourself a pat on the back.
Thanks again everyone for all your continued support, comment any recipes you want to see next!
Since nobody has been able to jet off to Benidorm or any other exotic location this year, it’s time to bring the sun to us with this tropical traybake.
This orange and passionfruit cake will provide the sunny vibes, but if you really want to recreate the ‘Brit on holiday’ experience, then you’ll also need to do the following:
wear a ridiculous tropical shirt (bonus points if it matches with the rest of your travel companions)
get up at the crack of dawn to ‘save the sunbeds’
burn to a crisp on the first day
say it’s boiling at least 17 times a day
learn how to say hello in the local language, then proceed to speak English
Before we get into the nitty gritty of the recipe, here is this week’s (very embarrassing) kitchen goss
I can’t quite believe I’m exposing myself this much on KG, but this is too funny not to share.
So I recently rediscovered this voice memo I made in 2018 when I was revising for my chemistry A-level. I must’ve seen a pinterest thing on creative ways to revise or something, because something unholy possessed me to make a song about electrophilic addition.
Yes it’s to the tune of ‘These Words’ by Natasha Bedingfield
Yes it took me all day to write (and I couldn’t even make it rhyme)
Yes the full version of ‘Mechanisms Mix *flame*’ is available on soundcloud
I can’t bring myself to listen to the full thing, and safe to say I will never be doing that again.
Back to the bake…
FOR THE CAKE
225g caster sugar
225g self raising flour
1 orange – zested n juiced
1tsp vanilla extract
FOR THE ICING
300g icing sugar
3tbsp passionfruit curd (or adjust to your taste)
1tsp vanilla extract
gel food colourings
whack your butter and shug in a bowl and beat until light and fluffy
add eggos one at a time
fold in flour, orange zest, vanilla and 3/4 of your orange juice (save the remaining quarter for icing time)
Whack this in whichever tray tickles your pickle, make sure to grease and line it
bake for 20-25 mins at 180C (or if your oven doesn’t have numbers on it like mine, then just take it out when it looks golden and a knife comes out clean when you poke it in)
Whilst that’s cooling you can crack on with the icing
whip up the butter and icing sugar
add the orange juice and passionfruit curd to your taste (it can be quite zingy)
if you want to decorate with painted buttercream flowers then split icing into bowls and add colourings of your choice (gel food colourings work best here)
once the cake is cool, remove from the tin and spread over a base layer of icing
Let this set up in the fridge – very important step otherwise going to be difficult to add more buttercream on top!
once harder to the touch, get the cake out and get creative
I ‘painted’ flowers onto mine, which is a technique I’ve been wanting to try out for ages, but go with whatever you feel looks fun n fresh
If you’re interested in how I decorated my traybake, then take a look at this very speedy vid below.
These truffles contain only 3 ingredients: live, laugh and love *monkey emoji*. Only messin it’s actually oreos, cream cheese and choccie, and they are soooo quick to make and even quicker scoff.
I decided to make mine into little pandas, not really sure why, I just got the urge, but you can decorate with whatever tickles your pickle.
Fun fact about pandas, they poo on average 40 times a day!!! Their pipes must be clean as a whistle, wish I could say the same, my iron tablets are clogging me up like no tomorrow. 😦
Before we get crackalackin, here’s this week’s KG:
First of all, I hope you all approve of my new identity. It was a sad day changing from BTB but I think it was a strategic career move from me.
Secondly, it’s another lockdown which means more questionable online purchases. Last night’s deal was a posture corrector in a desperate attempt to solve my Quasimodo back. It’s like a full on back brace, but nothing I can’t pull off. Will keep you all updated with the results, if I’m not a model in a month I’m going to be FUMIN.
Ok recipe time…
160g full fat cream cheese
optional – 1 tbsp icing sugar
200g white choc, 100g dark choc
Method – makes 10 golf ball sized truffles, triple the recipe if you live with Vic Fletcher
Choose your weapon to crush the oreos e.g. blender, rolling pin
make sure they’re finely crushed, you don’t want bitty truffles
plop your cream cheese into the crushed biccies and stir
I like to sweeten mine a bit more with 1 tbsp icing sugar but if you’re not addicted to sugar like me then you can skip this bit
form into balls – size is up to you, I made mine golf ball sized
place on a tray lined with baking paper/tin foil
pop in the freezer for 15 mins
whilst they’re chillaxin, get melting your choccie
take the chilled ballz out and coat in the choccie, I use a fork to get them out so some of the choc can drip off
top tip – if you’re coating in the white choc I would melt your choccie in batches because it can get a bit dirty from the oreo balls, so just melt enough to coat 1 or 2 truffles at a time!
if you’re a bit random and also want to make them into pandas, I did the face with white and dark choc and just used a cocktail stick to draw it on, and carved the ears out of an oreo using a knife (or you can just nibble it into shape)
if you don’t pandas then let your creative juices flow and decorate any way you like!