Tag: funny

Posted in Other Treats

Croissants

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

A bit greasy and a massive flake, but we always go back for more – the croissant is the F-boy of the pastry world.

Making croissants is definitely a labour of luv so if you’re looking for a quick sweet fix, this is not the one for you. If however, you have a spare couple of days and want to make some DELISH pastry morsels then keep reading…

I made these little lovelies as part of the BreadAhead online tutorial. It was so much fun, learned a lot and would highly recommend if you want something different to do in lockdown – they have a massive range of tutorials it’s not just croissants! (BreadAhead pls sponsor me)

Before we get into it, here’s this week’s KG:

Kitchen Goss

Another week, another new hobby. That’s right, I’m officially a yogi. Leeds Yoga society are running daily classes online so you can try out different types of yoga and embarrass yourself on zoom whilst doing it. Yin yoga is the top runner for me, it involves pillows and blankets – enough said really.

My current fave pose: Shavasana (corpse pose). You just lie still on the floor – bliss. I have not mastered any more advanced poses yet, but give me a few weeks and I’ll be one of those ripped, tanned girls doing yoga on the beach for my youtube channel. Like and subscribe xoxo

Back to biz

Ingredients

  • DAY 1
  • 500g strong white flour (white bread flour)
  • 12g salt
  • 55g caster sugar
  • 40g unsalted butter
  • 15g dried yeast
  • 140ml cold water
  • 140ml whole milk
  • DAY 2
  • 250g cold unsalted butter
  • 1 egg

Method

  • DAY 1
  • Pop flour, salt, sugar and dried yeast in a bowl and combine
  • make a well in the centre
  • Add in the milk and water and mix together until a dough forms
  • TOP TIP: you can smush it a bit to incorporate all the dry ingredients in but do not knead it!!! This will overwork the dough and make the folding tomorrow very hard.
  • Cover the bowl with cling film and whack it in the fridge for 8-12 hours (or overnight)
  • DAY 2
  • Take your dough out the fridge
  • Using your knuckles smush it into a rough square shape
  • With a rolling pin roll out each of the corners, leaving a raised square centre and 4 thin flaps/corners
  • get your butter out of the fridge
  • Bash it out with a rolling pin until it is a similar size to the raised dough square
  • Place your butter sheet on top of the raised dough square
  • Pull the bottom flap of dough to completely cover the butter
  • Pull the top flap of dough 80% over
  • Pull the side flaps across to the middle
  • What we have basically done here is wrap up our butter in the dough like wrapping up a parcel
  • with the seam running in the middle (the line where the side flaps meet) use your rolling pin to push down and create ridges in the dough (this makes it easier to roll)
  • Then roll out until a long rectangular shape (about 1/2 a rolling pin wide and 1 1/2 rolling pins long)
  • Fold the top of the dough over 2/3rds
  • Fold the remaining flap of dough over that (so you have a square of dough that is 3 layers thick)
Seam on the LEFT
  • This is called a fold! For croissants we will do 3 folds in total
  • TOP TIP: after the first fold keep the seam on the LEFT, this keeps all your folds in the same direction to give you nice layers
  • With the seam on the left, roll out your dough into a long rectangle again
  • Fold as you did before (top over 2/3rds, remaining flap on top of that so you have a 3 layered square ish shape)
  • Cover in cling film and put in the fridge to chillax for 1 hour (or more)
  • Once suitably relaxed, get it out and you guessed it roll into a long rectangle (remember seam on the left!!)
  • Fold as you did before – this is the 3rd and final fold!!! Nearly there now
  • cover again and put in the fridge to chill out for 3 hours (or more)
  • take the dough out, this time with the seam running HORIZONTALLY roll out until it is about 5mm thick
  • Cut triangles out of the dough (use 4 finger widths to keep them equal)
Mind the tootsies oops x
  • Stretch each triangle out by holding it up and running your other hand gently down it
  • Cut a small slit at the base of the triangle
  • Roll up from the base of the triangle until it forms a little croissant shape
  • Beat your egg and brush on top to make a nice golden glaze
  • Leave the croissants to rise in a warm place for 2 hours
  • Preheat your oven to 190C and (finally) whack in your croissants for 15 mins until nice and crispy
  • Get them out and scoff them all – it will be worth all the hard work I promise!

You made it to the end of that VERY long recipe, give yourself a pat on the back.

Thanks again everyone for all your continued support, comment any recipes you want to see next!

Lots of love, your fave Han, KG x x x

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Posted in Cakes, decoration

Tropical Traybake

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

Since nobody has been able to jet off to Benidorm or any other exotic location this year, it’s time to bring the sun to us with this tropical traybake.

This orange and passionfruit cake will provide the sunny vibes, but if you really want to recreate the ‘Brit on holiday’ experience, then you’ll also need to do the following:

  • wear a ridiculous tropical shirt (bonus points if it matches with the rest of your travel companions)
  • get up at the crack of dawn to ‘save the sunbeds’
  • burn to a crisp on the first day
  • say it’s boiling at least 17 times a day
  • learn how to say hello in the local language, then proceed to speak English

Before we get into the nitty gritty of the recipe, here is this week’s (very embarrassing) kitchen goss

Kitchen Goss

I can’t quite believe I’m exposing myself this much on KG, but this is too funny not to share.

So I recently rediscovered this voice memo I made in 2018 when I was revising for my chemistry A-level. I must’ve seen a pinterest thing on creative ways to revise or something, because something unholy possessed me to make a song about electrophilic addition.

Yes it’s to the tune of ‘These Words’ by Natasha Bedingfield

Yes it took me all day to write (and I couldn’t even make it rhyme)

Yes the full version of ‘Mechanisms Mix *flame*’ is available on soundcloud

I can’t bring myself to listen to the full thing, and safe to say I will never be doing that again.

Back to the bake…

Ingredients

  • FOR THE CAKE
  • 225g butter
  • 225g caster sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 225g self raising flour
  • 1 orange – zested n juiced
  • 1tsp vanilla extract
  • FOR THE ICING
  • 150g butter
  • 300g icing sugar
  • 3tbsp passionfruit curd (or adjust to your taste)
  • 1tsp vanilla extract
  • gel food colourings

Method

  • whack your butter and shug in a bowl and beat until light and fluffy
  • add eggos one at a time
  • fold in flour, orange zest, vanilla and 3/4 of your orange juice (save the remaining quarter for icing time)
  • Whack this in whichever tray tickles your pickle, make sure to grease and line it
  • bake for 20-25 mins at 180C (or if your oven doesn’t have numbers on it like mine, then just take it out when it looks golden and a knife comes out clean when you poke it in)
  • Whilst that’s cooling you can crack on with the icing
  • whip up the butter and icing sugar
  • add the orange juice and passionfruit curd to your taste (it can be quite zingy)
  • if you want to decorate with painted buttercream flowers then split icing into bowls and add colourings of your choice (gel food colourings work best here)
  • once the cake is cool, remove from the tin and spread over a base layer of icing
  • Let this set up in the fridge – very important step otherwise going to be difficult to add more buttercream on top!
  • once harder to the touch, get the cake out and get creative
  • I ‘painted’ flowers onto mine, which is a technique I’ve been wanting to try out for ages, but go with whatever you feel looks fun n fresh

If you’re interested in how I decorated my traybake, then take a look at this very speedy vid below.

Thanks for reading, lots of luv, Han – KG x x x

Posted in Other Treats

Oreo Truffles

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

These truffles contain only 3 ingredients: live, laugh and love *monkey emoji*. Only messin it’s actually oreos, cream cheese and choccie, and they are soooo quick to make and even quicker scoff.

I decided to make mine into little pandas, not really sure why, I just got the urge, but you can decorate with whatever tickles your pickle.

Fun fact about pandas, they poo on average 40 times a day!!! Their pipes must be clean as a whistle, wish I could say the same, my iron tablets are clogging me up like no tomorrow. 😦

Before we get crackalackin, here’s this week’s KG:

Kitchen Goss

First of all, I hope you all approve of my new identity. It was a sad day changing from BTB but I think it was a strategic career move from me.

Secondly, it’s another lockdown which means more questionable online purchases. Last night’s deal was a posture corrector in a desperate attempt to solve my Quasimodo back. It’s like a full on back brace, but nothing I can’t pull off. Will keep you all updated with the results, if I’m not a model in a month I’m going to be FUMIN.

Ok recipe time…

Ingredients

  • 24 oreos
  • 160g full fat cream cheese
  • optional – 1 tbsp icing sugar
  • 200g white choc, 100g dark choc

Method – makes 10 golf ball sized truffles, triple the recipe if you live with Vic Fletcher

  • Choose your weapon to crush the oreos e.g. blender, rolling pin
  • make sure they’re finely crushed, you don’t want bitty truffles
  • plop your cream cheese into the crushed biccies and stir
  • I like to sweeten mine a bit more with 1 tbsp icing sugar but if you’re not addicted to sugar like me then you can skip this bit
  • form into balls – size is up to you, I made mine golf ball sized
  • place on a tray lined with baking paper/tin foil
  • pop in the freezer for 15 mins
  • whilst they’re chillaxin, get melting your choccie
  • take the chilled ballz out and coat in the choccie, I use a fork to get them out so some of the choc can drip off
  • top tip – if you’re coating in the white choc I would melt your choccie in batches because it can get a bit dirty from the oreo balls, so just melt enough to coat 1 or 2 truffles at a time!
  • if you’re a bit random and also want to make them into pandas, I did the face with white and dark choc and just used a cocktail stick to draw it on, and carved the ears out of an oreo using a knife (or you can just nibble it into shape)
  • if you don’t pandas then let your creative juices flow and decorate any way you like!
  • let them set up a bit more in the fridge
  • eat

Recipe inspired by Cooking Classy – recipe here Oreo Balls Oreo Truffles – Cooking Classy

And that’s it for today. Soz I’ve not done a blog in SO long, new year’s resolution is to write more so keep your little eyes peeled!

Hope you all have a fabby week

Lots of luv, Han, KG xxx

Posted in decoration

Isomalt Splash

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

After my last post (https://bitchesthatbake.home.blog/2020/09/11/lemon-celebration-cake/) I received thousands of messages begging me to put up a tutorial on how to make the isomalt splash which decorated the top. I’m just giving the fans what they want x

Isomalt is a sugar alcohol (not the kind you can get sloshed on though 😦 ) and when it cools it sets like hard candy – perfect for sugar art. It can be blown into little bubbles, made into delicate flowers, or in this case, slopped around to make a splash.

Before we begin, here’s the KG.

Kitchen Goss

The one accessory which should feature in every fashionista’s wardrobe: Primark’s Disney dog outfit range.

If you have a below average sized head and want to stand out from the crowd, then the small dog costumes will be right up your street. Slip into one of these and everyone will want to PET THAT DAWG.

Of course the stitch costume was whipped out after an incredibly *classy* bottomless brunch with my sistaz. The real question is though, who wore it better – me, Melis or the rat (Gregg)????

It’s the snorting for me x

Anyway, moving on. I’ve made a cheeky vid for you all instead of just a written recipe – keepin up with the tech for kids these days. Pls enjoy.

Ingredients

  • isomalt (ready tempered, clear, just get on amazon)
  • gel food colouring
  • silicone mat (this is needed)
  • bottle of some kind

Method

  • Pop a few isomalt balls in a heatproof bowl
  • chuck in the microwave and blast in 30second intervals until bubbling
  • be really careful because it is literal molten sugar and can say from experience it hurts if you touch it
  • add in any colouring you want at this point
  • you might have to blast in the microwave again to get really hot (it sets up super quick so you have to move fast)
  • pour your bubbling isomalt onto your silicone mat
  • start to tip the mat to spread it around
  • when the isomalt has cooled slightly on the mat (30 secs) lay the mat over a bottle and hold in the desired shape
  • wait a couple of minutes until the isomalt has set hard
  • carefully remove the bottle and peel off the silicone mat – take your time you don’t want to crack your masterpiece
  • and that’s it!!! Pop it on top of your cake, sit back n chillax

And that’s everything my lovelies. Posts may be on the slow side for a while because my oven at uni is a genuine candle but I’ll see what I can rustle up.

Thanks for reading

Much love, Han, BTB x x x x x x

Posted in Cakes

Lemon Celebration Cake

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

We’re taking it back to my baking roots – the birthday cake. When I had first properly got into baking about age 12, the fondant bday cake was my stomping ground. Now, fondant isn’t what all the trendy kids want (youths these days grrr), so instead we move over to buttercream cakes – tastier, but harder to make look semi-decent.

This is one of my first buttercream cakes and went a bit off the rails with it. Feelin like one of those edgy art people and off to get a very short fringe cut to fit my new persona. Honestly, just call me Bob Ross x

Before we move on, here’s this week’s KG…

Kitchen Goss

I’m back in L town after TOO long. My cave is finally decorated (yes the nawti Mary Berry poster has made a return.) Despite all odds, my houseplants have survived their first week (hello Miss Greenfingers). I won’t do my washing until I have 1 sock and an age 12-13 T-shirt left. My housemates don’t hate me yet – give it another week girls 😉 and my diet has gone back to exclusively sour skittles and spag bol. IT’S. GOOD. TO. BE. BACK.

Ingredients

For the sponge:

  • 340g butter
  • 340g caster sugar
  • 6 eggs
  • 340g self-raising flour
  • zest of 3 lemons

For the lemon syrup:

  • 85g caster sugar
  • juice from 1 1/2 lemons

For the buttercream:

  • 3 tbsps lemon curd
  • swiss meringue buttercream or Italian meringue buttercream (basic recipe link here, you will need 2 or 3x this recipe:)

https://bitchesthatbake.home.blog/2020/01/31/italian-meringue-buttercream/

For the splashes:

  • 4tbsps icing sugar
  • 1-3tsps water – add until very drippy

Decor:

  • Isomalt splash – tutorial coming soon don’t panic
  • cake board covered with fondant (optional)

Method

  • preheat oven to 180C and line 3 6inch round cake tins with baking paper
  • beat your butter and sugar
  • add in the eggos one at a time – don’t worry if it looks curdled at this point
  • fold in flour, vanilla extract and zesty stuff
  • plop even amounts into your cake tins
  • bake for 20-30 mins or until a skewer comes out clean
  • start making your syrup – mix together the sugar and lemon juice
  • poke a few holes all over the cakes with a skewer or whatever pointy item you can lay your hands on
  • drizzle the syrup all over the sponges – this will keep them super *MOIST*
  • let cool completely in the tin
  • make your buttercream and add in the lemon curd to flavour
  • level cakes using a knife or a cake leveller to be extra poncey
  • place one cake layer on turntable or plate
  • add a thin layer of lemon curd, followed by a blob of buttercream
  • sandwich with the next cake layer and repeat the lemon curd and buttercream blob
  • put the final cake layer on top
  • smooth a thin layer of buttercream all around the outside of the cake – this is called a crumb coat
  • pop in the fridge for an hour (or longer) to set
  • once set, smooth over a thicker layer of buttercream – use a palette knife and cake scraper (or anything with a straight edge) to work the buttercream into nice sharp lines
  • set in the fridge for at least one hour
  • mix small amounts of buttercream with food colouring of your choice
  • bring your chilled cake out of the fridge
  • get small amounts of coloured buttercream on a palette knife (or just a normal knife) and swipe onto the cake
  • keep going until you’re happy
  • mix up your splash mixture – stir together icing sugar and water until very drippy consistency
  • add whatever colour floats your boat at this point – I went for gold but sort of just looks brown 😦
  • dip in a paintbrush and shake it like mad at your cake
  • To finish off I added an isomalt splash – TUTORIAL COMING SOON – and put onto a basic silver cake board which I iced with fondant to make it look less rubbish
  • cut and enjoy x

And that’s the end of that very long recipe – sorry for blabbing on. Hope you all have a wonderful week. Lots of love, Han, BTB x

Posted in Cakes

Lemon Drizzle Cake

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

We all love a naughty bit of lemon driz, and this recipe from my queen – Mazza Bazza – is absolutely spectacular.

I was trying out my new loaf tin for this bad boi (yes it was another B&M purchase before you ask) and now I think I’ve spiralled into a slightly worrying tin obsession. What will be next?!? Classic bundt tin, or maybe a fun willy shaped one??? Who knows x

Before we get into the citrussy goodness, time for some juicy kitchen goss…

Kitchen Goss

6 years ago, the entire nation was busy filming themselves being drenched in iced water. Sometimes you’d stumble across a gem – ones where people’s tops fell down or they slipped – but most were just like mine: uncomfortable to watch.

Here I am, aged 14, sporting my Ed Sheeran T-shirt (my first concert which I attended with my dad.) Jeans cutting off circulation to my legs, alarmingly large eyebags. Is that a festival wristband you see? Oh no sir, that is a wristband from guide camp. The bun and full fringe, a strong and iconic look that I am SURE will make a come back very shortly. I was cool x

This vid may be cringe, but the ice bucket challenge did help to raise lots of monies for a great cause and is providing quality entertainment 6 years on, so we allow it x

Anyway enough jibber jabber, on with the cake.

recipe from https://savvybites.co.uk/mary-berrys-lemon-drizzle-cake/

Ingredients

  • Cake:
  • 225g butter
  • 225g caster sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 225g self raising flour
  • zest of 1 1/2 lemons

lemon syrup:

  • juice of 1 1/2 lemons
  • 85g caster sugar

Driz:

  • juice of 1/2 lemon
  • 100g icing sugar

Decor:

  • zest of 1/2 lemon
  • edible glitter (this is essential)

Method – makes a 2lb loaf cake

  • whack your oven on 170C and line a 2lb loaf tin with baking paper
  • Beat the sugar and butter together until paler than me
  • Add in the eggos one at a time
  • fold in your flour
  • plop into your prepared tin and bang that in your oven for 30-35mins or until a skewer comes out clean
  • whilst your cake is still hot, make your lemon syrup
  • mix the lemon juice and sugar together
  • poke loads of holes in your warm cake and pour over syrup, this will make your cake even moister and even lemony-er
  • leave cake to cool in the tin whilst it soaks up all the juicy goodness
  • once cool take out of the tin
  • make your driz by mixing the lemon juice and icing sugar
  • using a spoon drizzle the drizzle
  • decorate with your remaining zest and lots of glitter x

Anyway that’s all for today folks, hope yall have a fun n fresh week xxx

Lots of luv, Han, BTB xoxo

Posted in Savoury

Crusty White Bread

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

Crusty bread from a crusty girl x

Now I’m not normally a bread baker (mainly because you can’t gobble the mix as you go along) but this dough was superrrrr easy to make and actually turned out crispy n delish.

Before we get into the crumby biz, here’s this week’s kitchen goss…

Kitchen Goss

Note to self: NEVER go on a first date to the beach. We were having the time of our lives splish splashing around in Newcastle when Vic’s GoPro captured some horrific/hilarious pics that have honestly made my self esteem PLUMMET.

Pictured: 2 girls, one looks scarily like Paul Chuckle, the other just looks bad.

Action shot ❤ Caitlin, the goggles are a look x

Wig slip x

Overall, I think everyone on the beach got second hand embarrassment from us, but we had a mint time (minus thinking I had frost bite because my toes went purple.) Can’t wait for next year, love you two weirdos so much xxx

Anyway enough of that, are you bready for action? Sorry I’ll stop now, that was really bad.

(recipe adapted from https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2016/01/01/no-knead-crusty-white-bread)

Ingredients

  • 450g plain flour
  • 350ml lukewarm water (slosh your finger in it, if you can’t keep your finger in for 15secs then it’s too hot)
  • 1/2 tbsp salt
  • 7g dried yeast

Method – makes 2 loaves (you can double the recipe but not sure why you’d want 4 loaves of bread x)

  • mix everything together until it forms a very sticky dough
  • BAM! The hard work is done
  • put it in a large & in charge bowl and cover with cling film
  • let rise at room temp for 2 hours
  • then put the bowl in the fridge for 1-7 days
  • This is where the flavour develops, the longer you leave it the tangier it gets
  • (I only left mine for 1 day because I was too impatient but it was still pengaleng)
  • when you’re ready to make the bread: get 2 baking trays lined with baking paper, and flour your surface
  • sprinkle the top of the dough with flour and grab a big chunk (about half of the dough)
  • plop it onto the floured surface and shape it into a rough blob
  • repeat for the other half of dough
  • put your balls of dough onto your lined baking trays
  • sift flour over the top
  • let come to room temperature for about 1 hour
  • Slash with a sharp knife a couple of times
  • preheat your oven to 210C and put a metal tray on the bottom of your oven (we will be putting water in this to create steam)
  • put your dough in the oven, and pour one mugful of boiling water into the hot metal tray
  • shut the door quickly – the steam is what makes a really crispy crust
  • bake for 25-30mins until golden and crisp
  • Gobble as soon as it is cool enough to do so x

And that’s it folks. Thanks again for all your continued support n dat, if you’ve not already followed my instagram I’d love it if you’d take a quick peep @bitches_that_bake

Lots of luv, Han (BTB xxx)

Posted in Cakes

Self-saucing toffee pudding

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

You saucyyyyy minx. *Said in dirty Northern accent*

As my closest homies will know, my fave EVER dessert is a classic sticky toffee pudding. But when the craving hits, there’s just no time to scurry out to get dates or slave over making a toffee sauce. This is where this self-saucing pud saves the day.

It’s pretty snazzy, the sauce is poured over the cake batter and everything gets banged in the oven. 30 mins later and the cake has magically swapped places with the toffee sauce. It is genuine witchcraft.

Before we get crackalackin, here is the KG:

Kitchen Goss

Today is a very very special day. After 4 long weeks my homebrew is FINALLY ready for a naughty sample. Like all good craft beers, I needed an edgy name for my little baby.

Rochdale Rat P*ss seemed fitting. Genuinely would rather have a plague-riddled rat from the Dale tinkle in my mouth than drink this.

Jokes it’s actually alright, went down a treat.

this little cutie slurpin on some homebrew x

Back to biz

(recipe adapted from https://myfoodbook.com.au/recipes/show/caramel-self-saucing-pudding)

Ingredients

  • FOR THE SAUCE
  • 60g light brown sugar
  • 1tbsp golden syrup
  • 25g butter
  • 150ml boiling water
  • FOR THE SPONGE
  • 50g butter – melted
  • 75g caster sugar
  • 125g self raising flour
  • 100ml milk
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract

Method – serves 4, double it if you want more you lard arse

  • get your oven on 180C and get a baking dish of your choice nice and greasyyyy
  • chuck the sauce ingredients (light brown shug, golden syrup, butter and boiling water) in a jug and give that a cheeky stir
  • Bang all the cake ingredients (butter, caster sugar, flour, milk and vanilla) in another bowl and give that a stir until smooth
  • put your batter in your greasy dish
  • carefully pour your sauce all over the top
  • bake for 30mins until the cake is golden and the sauce is at the bottom of the dish
  • Let sit for 5 mins cos it is literally bobby boiling
  • Crack open the ice cream, serve n enjoy x

Happy customer x

Blob of icecream. Blob into mouth. The end.

Posted in Savoury

Soft Pretzels

Posted on by The Soggy Bottom

Salty, twisted, and a bit soft – no I’m not talking about your ex. These soft pretzels are super fun to make, and can be made salty or sweet (or both) depending what tickles your fancy.

These were another delight from my BakedIn box, and they did not disappoint. I won’t harp on about BakedIn again but they are mint (pls sponsor me xoxo).

Before we get into the twisty business, here is this week’s KG.

Continue reading “Soft Pretzels” →